Saturday, February 11, 2012

I'm sorry. Forgive me?

For some, these are very easy words to say. For others, these are very hard to say. In either case, it needs to be sincere or it helps no one.

Sometimes we hurt people. I know that I have hurt people. I don't know anyone who hurts someone on purpose. I'm sure in my high school years there were some. That's just mean and I generally move on from that type of person. Usually when we hurt someone, it is by accident. So what do you do? Someone I know, said to me, "Well, why should I apologize? It was an accident. It's not like I meant to hurt them!"

Does that logic make any sense at all? If you meant to hurt someone, you'd apologize but if you didn't mean to hurt someone, then you wouldn't??

I stood astonished, so blown away that my jaw literally dropped. It got me thinking about apologies.

To my way of thinking, people get their feelings hurt all the time. 
  • You hurt them and you meant it.
  • You hurt them and you didn't mean it.
  • Someone else hurt them and you know about it.  
So, if you hurt someone and meant it, you're a jerk ... get out of my life, please. Well, maybe that is harsh ... you get the opportunity to apologize and change your behavior ... if not, get the hell out of my life. Ok, still too harsh. Find a way to forgive them but think about moving on from their arena of influence.

If you hurt someone and you didn't mean to, then apologize. I know you didn't mean it. I know it was an accident but still someone got hurt because of your action regardless of your intent. As I walk down the hall and step on your foot, I'm going to say I'm sorry and mean it. I certainly didn't mean to step on your foot but still, I can understand your pain. After all, who hasn't gotten their foot stepped on by someone? I can understand the pain and I'm sorry that my action, regardless of intent, caused you pain. I'm sorry. As a bonus, I'll try to be more careful in the future!

If someone is hurt and you weren't the cause ... you can still be empathetic and understanding. Joe stepped on your foot? I'm so sorry that happened to you and I wish it hadn't happened. Yes, it is an apology and one of the nicest ones in the world to hear when no one else will listen. You're boyfriend broke up with you? I'm so sorry! I know that you loved him and it is terrible that he broke your heart.

Giving an apology always includes some risk of getting hurt yourself. You've opened yourself up to someone who is hurting and the potential is high to strike out at someone and inflict pain. It's tough when those arrows are shot your way. I have had a few unfortunate occasions when my apology hasn't been accepted.
  • Why don't you look where you are going? If you had, you wouldn't have stepped on my foot!
  • Why are you apologizing? You didn't do it and you have no idea how I feel!
It is very uncomfortable when this happens. It's the most obvious example of someone speaking without thinking. This is one area where forgiveness comes in.

Perhaps you hurt them. Now, you've apologized. They have been trained to think that striking back at you will make them feel better. It never does, by the way. So, they strike back at you and hurt you ... intentionally. This is "eye for an eye" mentality. Mahatma Ghandi said "an eye for an eye and the whole world ends up blind."

Do you want to live a more peaceful life? Do you want to be a more happy person? Forgive them. For most of us, when our apology is rejected, now we are hurt. Our initial reaction ... is to strike back also ... and then some. We escalate. Don't strike back. Forgive them instead and let it go ...

Most of us will walk away angry. We'll carry that anger around. We'll let it fester inside. We might even strike out at someone else and get their day going bad ... and we might not even apologize for that anger because the last time we apologized, it was rejected and we got hurt.

Giving an apology is a gift you give to someone. If they don't accept it, forgive them. Even more important, forgive yourself!

If someone hurts you ... if they apologize, accept it and forgive them. If they don't apologize, forgive them anyway. Festering wounds only continue to hurt us. It really doesn't hurt them. Forgiveness cleanses us and allows us to move on. Let the anger go! It is only hurting you and those around you.

As a young man, I carried around a mental list of all the things done wrong to me. All the injustices and all the pains that had occurred to me were in a large and heavy ...  mental bag ...  slung over my shoulder. As time went on, it got heavier and weighed me down. I was hesitant to open up. Really, I was afraid of getting hurt. I rarely gave people who hurt me or offended me a second chance. It made me lonely and unapproachable.

There is no reason to be like this. Anger helps no one. We think that revenge feels good but it isn't a sustainable mode of operation. It easier to be reactionary and angry than it is to be thoughtful and forgiving.

Recently, my sister-in-law Cindy sent a small gift to Kathy but put the wrong address on the package. It ended up a 20 houses up the street. Cindy realized her mistake, found the phone number and called the people who received the package. They had thrown it out. Kathy called also and was told the same thing. When I found out, I boiled with anger. I wanted to make their life miserable. They threw out a package when all they had to do was hang on to it until Kathy picked it up. Instead, they just tossed it in the trash can. In addition, trash pickup was the same day and it was gone. The telephone calls by Cindy and Kathy were met with a gruff and rude response. We were all angry. He owned us. He controlled our emotions. His boorish behavior created anger in us.

I'm happy to say that none of us did anything to his house though eggs tossed from a car was a tempting option. Putting toilet paper all over his trees was another option. We did not just react like some sort of innate and unthinking creature.

It is the gray of winter but the light shines in the window earlier each and every day.Embrace it and learn forgiveness.










Friday, December 16, 2011

A Weekend of Hiking with Matt

Matt snoozed next to me providing enough moisture to thicken the frost on the inside of the car window. I shuddered, cold and tired after a long day of hiking and not being able to find a place to sleep. We were sleeping in his car in sleeping bags, our breath easily visible in the 20 degree weather. My feet were cold. My hands were cold and my nose was cold. I wondered why I didn't bring my own zero degree bag!

Then, I woke up.

You see, when I sleep, I see and dream about possible futures. It doesn't necessarily mean that it is THE future but one of several possibilities. I worry about things that are left undone and as strange as it seems, I am able to travel down that path in my dreams. Matt and I were taking Friday off and planning a weekend of hiking through different parts of the White Mountains of New Hampshire. Though I had looked at a few bed and breakfast inns, Matt's friend had a house nearby that we could use. Unfortunately, at the last minute, the friend's house fell through and I fell asleep one night wondering where we would sleep ... thus the dream.

I checked a few websites and found two places that seemed reasonable. One was the AMC Lodge known as Joe Dodge Lodge. For $69 per person, you got a bed and access to a shared bathroom. For both of us, that was ... $138 per night or $276 for the weekend. This would include breakfast and perhaps even dinner. I also checked the Inn at Thorn Hill in Jackson, NH. Their main house had several rates upwards of 249 for a room for two but there was the Carriage House room that was $169 ... for the room plus you got a private bathroom. $31 a night more for a nice inn vs. a lodge ... where do I sign up? 

I called Thursday night and made the reservation. Knowing that Matt might not want to sleep in the same bed with a smelly old fart machine like me, I asked if they could make up the couch as a bed ... answer? "Yes, of course! Check in is at 3pm."

We drove up Friday morning, bought two Subway 6 inch flat bread hot Italian sandwiches on the way and found snow at the base of Arethusa Falls hike. We did what we always do ... fret about the clothes we are wearing. You know, does the color of my pants clash with my scarf and what to do with the stripes on my hat! Ok, I'm lying, we fretted about the warmth of the clothes. We joked about Grandpa Cleary and Uncle Dave saying "Cotton Kills." 

The temps were in the mid 20's and I was chilled. I took my good camera and messed with my wool sweater and sweatshirt ... I looked up and Matt was waiting. Aw crap, I guess we'd better leave the warmth of the car and get going. Standing there, we looked around and had no idea where the trail was. We finally found it and headed happily up the hill.


Climbing uphill really burns the energy and it didn't take long to for us to warm up. Matt slipped and slid along and we realized that wearing the boots to work had worn the soles off of his shoes! Maybe I had a chance to keep pace with him! Yeah, maybe. 


We crossed streams, brooks, and rivers listening to the water rush down hill like the roar of a jet engine ready for take off. 

The snow was fresh and we followed the footprints of other hikers. We went up, up and then up some more. Pretty quickly and I was no longer cold. We stopped for a while to strip off some of our layers. We found a left turn that took us to Arethusa Falls. It is a beautiful thundering waterfall that drops and bounces across several rock faces. The pictures don't do this waterfall justice. I wish I'd had my tripod! We made our way across the frozen rocks daring to slip and slide at the risk of falling in the rushing water. My one mantra ... "save the camera."

Pictured above, the falls bounce down across a number of cliff faces.



Ok, so maybe 4 pictures of this waterfall is too much. If you don't like it, write your own blog!

Matt and I hiked all around the falls, not because it was so beautiful but because we couldn't figure out where the trail went. Finally, it dawned upon one of us smart guys that this trail is a dead end and we needed to back-track to where the trail split earlier. I'm not saying who was the smart guy that figured that out but if you want a hint ... it was me.One of us hikes fast and the other one is smart or at least smarter.

The fast hiker is below.

Yeah, so below are the signs that we ignored on the first pass and found on our way back-tracking ...

Now that we were on the Frankenstein Cliffs trail, we started ascending the mountain again. There was much more up and steeper climbs and we were producing a ton of heat. I had no problem with the cold though it was in the 20's. Matt continued to march, I mean slip, at a good clip. We were winding along the peak of a cliff when a large bird startled us as it took off. The beat of its wings was low and reverberated in our chests ... a very large bird ... a huge bird. We wondered what kind of bird it was. It was bigger than a hawk and nested in high places. We've decided that it was the wonderful bald eagle. You can dispute this claim by adding a comment in the comment box below but we've settled on ... the American Bald Eagle. Yep, that's our story and we're sticking to it!

Soon we found ourselves enjoying the incredible vistas and scenic views. Matt slowed down enough to take in the beauty. We looked at the cliff in the picture below and wondered how to get over there. Considering that Kathy said "WTF" on the Franconia Ridge pictures, I figured we'd better decline the temptation to climb on that ledge ... maybe next time!

 We stood on the precipice in the below picture for about 20 minutes. The wind picked up and since we weren't hiking a chill kicked in ... but still we stayed a bit longer just because it was worth it. 

We stopped later and enjoyed our Subway 6 inch long sandwiches ... why do they taste so much better in the wilderness?

The down hill was quick and easy for me. Matt struggled with his shoes pretending to ski much of the way down. We decided that if we were going to hike Mt Jefferson on Saturday, Matt needed some new gear. Below, Matt stands staring at Mt Washington from the railway bed. We are going to hike Mt Washington in the spring even if Matt kills me doing it!

So, we were done with our 5 mile "warm up" hike as Matt called it. It was time to check in at the Inn and prepare ourselves for the grueling trek up Mt Jefferson on Saturday.


We arrived at the Inn at Thorn Hill ... sweaty and smelly. There were well dressed people just fresh from "the spa" all around us and I'm sure that our sweaty odor was not what they expected after exiting from the spa but we were simply there to get a room and get a nice shower. 


Her name was Lois and she rounded the desk toward us, "Are you Mr. Cleary?" and turning to Matt ... "Are you the other Mr. Cleary?"
We affirmed our surnames and she smiled sweetly as if talking to some country bumpkins from the backwoods of Maine, 
"There's been a problem with your reservation."
I groaned.
"The couch really isn't suitable for a young man to sleep on so we've taken the liberty of making another room available for you right next to the room you are in."
I was looking for the catch. I was looking for the ... for only xx dollars more ... but it didn't come. Instead, she said that since they had quoted $169 for the two of us, the extra room was free.

WAIT! What?

Free!

Really?

Free!

OK ... got it. 

She took us to the building next door and it had seen better days but it was much better than I imagine Joe Dodge Lodge would be. She took us to our rooms and we found a little tented card ... mine read, "Mr. John Cleary" and Matt's read "Mr. Matt Cleary" 

SWEET!

We talked quite a bit with Lois, a thin, gentle woman who has probably lived in this area of New Hampshire all her life. We told her that we had hiked Arethusa Falls and she said she'd done that many times. We mentioned Frankenstein Cliffs and sure enough, she had done that climb many times as well. Matt asked about the Caps Trail to Mt Jefferson. "Oh my, that is a grand hike!" she beamed. I've been on that hike many, many times."

As she left us, she told us that coffee would be served to the community room downstairs at 7am and breakfast started at 7:30am ... and our reservations for dinner was at 7:15 pm ... OK that must be the catch ... the cost of the dinner!! Ah Hah!

"No, Mr. Cleary, dinner is included."


 Isn't this place gorgeous?

We went to dinner early and were treated to delicious cookies and tea while we waited. We decided to sample their bar and taste an 18 year old scotch (not included but that would be silly!) The scotch was smooth and we were seated and treated to a lovely 3 course meal that was frankly, top notch. Matt had steak and I had salmon.

We went back to the Carriage house and realized that we were the only ones there. The fireplace was already stocked and set for flame, I applied the match and we opened a bottle of scotch, (cheaper than the bar) and talked for hours in front of a bright flame that bounced and danced providing entertainment for us.

The coffee in the morning was delicious followed by an incredible breakfast of an omelet for Matt and Eggs Benedict for me. I think I like this bed and breakfast lifestyle! I considered just hanging out in the living room and reading but somebody was tugging at my shirtsleeve. It was like he was 5 years old again! He was reminding me that we had a hike to undertake ... Mt Jefferson via the Caps Trail ... work, work, work! 

Y'know, phone gps are not always the best thing. First of all, you need to be in cellular coverage to download the maps and second of all ... well, sometimes they just suck. So, we wanted to find the trailhead of the Caps trail to Mt Jefferson and followed the advice of the phone gps. the first good news was that we happened by a Subway and got our 2 six inch flat bread hot Italian sandwiches. As we stood outside, Matt made the cerebral comment ... "Why do we keep buying two 6 inch sandwiches when we can get one foot long sandwich and cut it in half. It would be cheaper?" I guess he is the smarter one, then.

This is where the phone gps was not my friend. The Caps Trailhead is in the middle of Jefferson Notch Road. The gps took us to the northern entrance. This is fine except that the road is not plowed in the winter!   See below.
Well it was only 3 or 4 inches deep and Matt has ALL WHEEL DRIVE and bam ... we were in it. Then the snow got deeper as we ascended. With each hill the car slid up, I thought how wonderful it was that I would not have to hike that height! Excellent. Unfortunately, we then lost cell coverage and the map stopped downloading and we had no idea how far it was to the trail head. We drove on even farther than that. 

Being persistent buggers we kept going until the snow as about 8 or 10 inches and there was serious concern that the car would bottom out. 
"Don't worry, Dad" my dear eldest said, "I've got my sleeping bag in the trunk of the car."

And at that point the dream came back to me ... images of frost on the inside of a car's windshield contrasted with a whirlpool tub and a soft bed waiting for me back at the Inn. 
"I think it is time to turn around, Matt!"

We turned around, drove out, took major roads to the other end of the road only to find that is also was not plowed! We parked under a no parking sign and began our trek up the snow covered road. 

The road crisscrossed a wonderful stream and I stopped and caught a few images.  We climbed that road and I believe that it held more vertical elevation than the entire previous day's hike. 

As the elevation grew, so did the depth of the snow. Matt challenged me (and himself) not to quit until we had found the trail head. There were many jokes about "just around the next bend" and "just over the next hill" and we finally found a large parking lot (empty of course) and in the falling snow ate a delicious Subway hot Italian sub on flat-bread.. Below is a picture of what greeted us for a trail ... deep snow piled on top of a slippery log path. Again I was repeating the mantra ... "Save the camera!"


With snow all around and also falling from the sky we pushed into the forest of white. 

It was eerily quiet on this trail. The snow squalls came and went leaving pine trees with heavy snow bending their branches. Every now and again, we'd stop on the trail and just listen to the silence.

Along the way, there were very large hoof prints ... moose prints and they were fresh. It was easy to tell as it just kept snowing and snowing in this upper elevation.

The hiking was challenging as each step engaged slick rock covered by snow or perhaps a plunge into 8 inches of muck tugging and pulling on our boots. After about a mile or two and the sun threatening to set, we decided to turn around and head back. After all, a whirlpool tub bath was calling my name. 

We had spent too much time trying to drive the road and not enough time hiking. As a result, we were no where near where we needed to be. I was envisioning building an igloo to sleep in and the idea of sleeping in the car in a sleeping bag with frost on the windows was beginning to look appealing!

We hustled down the road as the sun dropped below the mountain to our southwest.

Note the balls of ice in the picture below!

Matt was intrigued by the looping snow ... I thought there must be something holding it up ... but there wasn't. 



We made it safely down and once you get down, you realize you weren't in that much danger ... really ... it was just like the boogie-man .. imagined.

Saturday night at the Inn at Thorn Hill was just as good as Friday. We stopped by Lois and she smiled sweetly again. "How was your hike today? Where did you go?" she asked.
"We tried to go up Jefferson via Caps Trail ... " I started but was stopped by Lois' laughter. I mean, it was laughter, not a smirk or a chuckle but pretty close to a belly laugh.
"Where???" she said but before I could answer she added, "Jefferson Notch Road is impassible at this time of year! Just to get up to the trail head is a terribly long hike with a lot of vertical rise! Wow, you've had a very long day, indeed!"
I think Matt had ideas of slapping her but we really did like her ... though she seemed a bit batty. Nice, but batty.

Cookies, tea, dinner, and some time in front of the fire with beer and scotch. Really, it was tremendously relaxing after hiking several miles in the snow.

At breakfast, someone at the table (could it be Matt?) mentioned one more hike. After all , we didn't summit Mt Jefferson and hadn't done anything extreme all weekend. Truly, two 5+ mile hilly hikes in two days wasn't enough (for some people). :-)

We headed for Glen Boulder hike. We couldn't find it. Yep. The phone gps lost cell coverage just as we got near it. So, we found a trail that we have no idea what it was but we took it and hiked across a suspension bridge that is in need of repair, followed expert cross country ski trails up and around the side of this mountain on a clear but unmarked trail. 






As we climbed higher, the snow got deeper and we stumbled across this impression from a bear. We proceeded much more cautiously after sighting this!

One of my favorite pictures ... I'm the short/squat one if you didn't know.

It started to get colder and though the loop trail had swung back toward the car, we bother were getting tired of hiking. 

We found this clearing with a log resting across two stumps and just sat for a while. The sun descended and we decided it was time to head home and watch the Patriot's game. We discussed tactics of getting back to the car quickly and being dumb people we decided to go off trail, crash through the thorn bushes, and down the side of a mountain and hopefully end up near the trail head ... yeah, that is actually what we did. We congratulated each other on being tough woodsmen for going off trail and finding the loop back so quickly.

The ride home was sleepy easy and quiet and when I got to work on Monday, I felt calm and refreshed. After all, I climbed about 15 miles of hilly hikes, enjoyed the company of my eldest, and dodged sleeping in a frost encased car!!

In all seriousness, we were very careful on all of these trips. We ensured that the weather was clear and someone knew where we were. As example, I knew where Matt was and he knew where I was. After all, we couldn't count on Lois, now could we? 

Peace be with you always.